shines in the night

cumber-snatched:cumber-snatched:

disclaimer: i tried to keep this list as general as possible because, ultimately, depression and anxiety are deeply personal issues, and everybody deals with them in his or her own way. if there is something you would like to add to/dispute on this list—or if you just need someone to talk to—my ask box is always open, and i will gladly give my email to anybody who needs it. that said:

DO

• be there for them in sincere, simple ways. bring them tea, send them texts or emails, sit with them in silence if they don’t feel like talking, remind them that you’re there whenever they need you, etc. continue to do these things even if you get no reply because that doesn’t necessarily mean your efforts aren’t appreciated (however, if they specifically ask you to stop, then stop). 
• remember that this is not something that they can help.
• be respectful of their space if they need it.
• use reaffirming statements that assure them you are paying attention and that you care (ex. “i hear what you are saying.” or “i can empathize.”)
• make sure that they have food and water. if it’s not around, the likelihood that they will not be motivated to go get it themselves is high. if it is around, though, they are more likely to eat or drink. the worst that can happen if you do this is that it will get dumped. 
• be supportive if they choose to seek counseling and/or psychiatry without pressuring them toward these things. they are usually only helpful if the person wants the help. 
• do everything only if it’s loving and honest. if you need some time to yourself, take it. your loved one likely understands that it is not easy to love a depressed person, so keep your own needs in mind as well.

DON’T

• say you understand or compare it to a time that you were “really sad” if you have not genuinely struggled with depression. it almost always comes off as condescending.
• turn it into something that’s all about you. if you do have a story or experience to share, ask if they would like to hear it first.
• blame them or tell them that it’s all in their head.
• change the subject if they’re trying to open up to you. being able to actually talk about depression is a major step for most people that leaves them feeling scared and vulnerable, so if they are willing to talk about it, let them.
• tell them that others have it worse. most depressed people are acutely aware of this—as well as how privileged they are to have the things that they do—and pointing this out to them will only make them feel guilty about being depressed. 
•  joke about or make light of their disorders (this includes the use of words such as “crazy”).
• get frustrated with them for always being “down”, canceling plans, or feeling uncomfortable in certain settings. again, this is not something that can be turned on and off at will.
• talk about it unless they bring it up first. because their lives feel so out of control, it is important for a lot of depressed people to feel in control of any little thing that they can (whether that means how much they eat, what they wear, or their own disease), and talking about it without their permission can make it feel like you’ve taken that control away from them.
• say that it will get better eventually. i bolded this because it came up in almost every contribution i had, and it’s very important to me personally. just like knowing that there are others who may have it worse, depressed people know logically that it might get better, but they can’t see it within their own headspace. by telling them that it will get better, it usually makes their feelings feel dismissed and trivialized, which, in turn, makes them feel guilty and upset with themselves for not being able to make themselves be better.
• forget that they love you and are deeply grateful for you even putting up with them most of the time, even if they aren’t always capable of showing it. 

bringing this back because it’s always relevant and you never know who might find it useful.

(Source: heisenbergsays)